Perspectuus

I was raised in an extremely conservative household with far right ideals. My family was not super religious, but God was a constant narrative in the home. I always thought money was super tight and we were borderline poor but my mom always worked over-time and we could never get free or even reduced lunch because of that, that is how I understood our financial status growing up. I grew up in a single mother household and rarely saw my dad. When I did, he was usually drunk or just trying to be a friend rather than a father. I knew I was gay since I was 12, but I also knew that according to the ideologies around me it was bad, so I always would try to cover up any slight trait that would rat me out. I eventually succumbed to the social pressure and turned to the LDS church to find solace. It deep-rooted the self hatred and trauma I experienced, but while I was in it, it made me feel hope of changing my sexual orientation. Although I was surrounded by many minority groups, mostly Latina, I struggled to fully understand diversity and even had negative internal feelings toward different races/ethnicities. I remember specifically getting those thoughts from my mother as she would talk negatively about the "illegal aliens" and the "terrorists" referring to Latina and Muslim individuals. The closer I got to graduating high school the more I started to question those thoughts as I focused a lot on charity and compassion, the best thing I got from my former faith. Living in France really helped me to have a greater appreciation and love for people of the Muslim faith and the friends I had who were Latina were some of my closest. Having them by my side helped to reshape my thoughts regarding their collective struggle in the U.S.

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My mother raised me in a single parent home mostly. She married and remarried multiple times and I definitely struggle with relationships to this day, especially with men. I am not blaming her, but I definitely can see the correlation. I also struggle to see the compassion in the far right of the political spectrum because of the understanding I have now to the constant negativity and hate that can be spewed from the narratives surrounding the border, social issues, and the poor. I grew up thinking I was such an abomination being gay because of things I heard her and other family say, so when I did come out I pushed back and saw much of what I was surrounded by as lacking compassion.

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Today I am deeply estranged from those that are deeply conservative because my identity is in direct conflict to their beliefs. I definitely try to have compassion in my dealings with them and seek to find compromise when discussing issues, but deep down I don't know if I will ever be able to heal the hurt I feel from knowing that my happiness is not valued the same. I am grateful to have been accepted and embraced by my immediate family regardless of their beliefs though. I just do wish I could separate their individual support of me and their obsession with political ideologies that are filled with hate for other groups and individuals I relate so deeply to and empathize with. Even with all that, my mother did emphasize the importance of finance and I owe so much to her for that even though as a recent college graduate I am swimming in debt. As for my dad, well I think he definitely was a more direct reason why I don't trust men. He pretty much abandoned us, dangling his company ever so slightly when he felt up to being a part of our lives. I am still working to overcome the combined trauma from my upbringing but I am inching my way toward happiness.

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Beyond the titles I am given, I believe I am sincere, loving, passionate, and inclusive. I think people who don't truly know me see me as gross and unhealthy due to my weight. I have been told that is not true. I have also been told I am bubbly and friendly though. I somehow attract a lot of people that don't normally get along with people, or feel that way, and it is one of the strengths I should pride myself on. I am a friend to those who feel left out. When someone meets me for the first time, I want them to know that I sincerely care about their hopes, dreams, passions, and well-being. I want them to think I am someone that can help them reach their potential.

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Religion brings up deep trauma from my past so I stay clear from practicing it. I still am fascinated by it from time to time. Coming out definitely had its influence in that. I don’t think it was fully that though because I feel like I was already struggling with other things. It just seemed very hypocritical. I don’t mean that in a criticizing way, but for me it didn’t work.

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I just saw people who seemed to hate other things or say that people can’t be loved by Christ or they act that way. People don’t feel welcomed when that is supposed to be the whole aspect of the religion. That’s how I felt.

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I took the church so seriously, the doctrine that I had higher expectations. I think it was more disappointing that it wasn’t what it was supposed to be. At least what I thought it was supposed to be. From there, it led to doubts and I started to realize that I didn’t really see a reason to believe in god as much. I consider myself more of an agnostic atheist. I don’t claim that there is no god, but I don’t know. I also have no reason to believe that there is a god. It led down that path to where I just don’t think there's a reason to believe there is a god. I feel like I would rather take action and be a good person on my own accord. If there happens to be a god, then I did what I could, but that’s for me not for him. Honestly, out of all of the organized religions that I looked into, and I tried looking into a lot of them, mostly Christian, but I couldn’t find a god that was worth worshiping. That sounds very harsh, but it just seemed like all of the gods they painted made me wonder what was the point. I mean that with the most respect.

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My first education professor was a key person who helped shape the way I view the world around me. The class was about educating diverse populations. This was right after I came out as gay and started accepting who I was. I was around 22 or 23 when I came out and I felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. Before that, my mentality was very traditional and conservative. This was my first step outside of that norm. This was my first class that opened my eyes and made me have more of an open mind regarding different views on the political spectrum.

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It just clicked. Before, I never understood anything regarding privilege or anything outside of that norm and if I did, it was criticized because that’s how I was raised. My family is very staunch conservative, very far right. Politically, that really opened my eyes. I saw that people actually struggle in different ways and that I needed to understand those struggles. It was very eye-opening and the conversation in the class was very open.

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I didn’t understand privilege until I experienced not having a privilege. That’s when I came out. I realized I couldn’t hold someone's hand without being judged. It didn’t seem like a big deal because I was gaining from it. But when I didn’t have it, it opened my eyes a lot more to the reality of people not having privilege.

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There was a lot of growth that I experienced in that one class. The professor and I still have a relationship where I can go to her and I can discuss with her and have conversations about certain subjects. She is very left in her mentality. I am more left than I give off, but I try to be understanding and moderate. It helps to have someone that I trust that will give me good information on that side. I feel like a lot of people are very biased and push their narrative. I get it. I totally understand it, but I try to be as just with the narrative as I can and not fully into the bias. To date, one of the most important life lessons that I've learned is the importance of loving yourself, from Brene Brown. I still have yet to master that.

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My biggest political influence is definitely from the college community. The peers that I’ve had are the biggest ones. I think that a lot of people think that people go to college and become liberalized by teachers. For me, it was the discussions I had with students. I got active in politics and was able to be very involved at school. It was very eye opening. I love the diverse thoughts. My school was in a very conservative area, but there were a lot of liberal minded people that went to school there. It kind of evens itself out to where you could get a good understanding of the whole political sphere. I lean more liberal, especially on social issues but I try to be understanding of most ideologies.

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It’s hard because I feel like nowadays you can’t really trust anyone. Are they saying it to get elected? Are they saying it because they actually mean it? I don’t know. Especially with this last election, you vote against the other person. You don’t vote for someone. I just hate the way politics is with that. It’s hard to talk about it because that’s not the real issue. It’s not what I stand for anymore, it’s what I stand against. I hate that.

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I believe in change. I want to grow, I want to progress. I feel like the right paints the left as anti-American or anti-constitutional but we’re not. We just want to grow it. At least in my opinion. I think we are progressing and moving with the times, but still honoring the past and trying to stick as close as we can to that. That’s what I try to think at least.

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ABORTION

I personally think this issue is not about abortion at all but rather about comprehensive sex education. By providing better resources to individuals, the need for abortion will decline. But until then, and really forever, there should be access for women to choose whether or not they want to have a child. I don't think this world is fit for children in homes where they are 1) not wanted, and 2) not able to provide well for them both financially and holistically. Adoption is definitely preferred but our foster system is drastically flawed and kids are placed back in unfit homes way too often than is good for them. I used to think I would never encourage anyone to get an abortion and that I am definitely pro-life yet pro-choice in regards to allowing women the choice to do as they see fit. I believe my views have shifted and I am definitely pro-choice and could see myself bringing that up as an option to a loved one that would consider it. We need to provide a better world for these children before we force them on people because the sad reality is that so many people are only pro-life until they come out of the womb then the lives of those children no longer matter. I prefer to care about their lives when they are brought into it rather than when conceived.

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LGBTQ+ RIGHTS

For me LGBTQ rights is obviously a big one. It goes with individualism. You’ve got people's identities. We should be able to live in a society together. That should be an expectation. It's hard because I don't think you should force people. At the same time, the government should honor all identities. How do they do that? I don’t know. If people are blatantly seeking to undermine that, that’s a big hard no. That’s where it’s definitely an issue.

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As far as being a member of that community, I can honestly say, if it was a choice, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be gay. I mesh so much better with women and I’ve been single so long so I think that alone is proof.

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I don’t want to say I don’t want to be gay, because I’ve accepted who I am and I embrace it. But I would have never chosen this life or this path because I honestly hate the experience I’ve had to go through. I’ve learned from it and I’m grateful for who I’ve become because of it and I am learning and I’m trying to embrace it. I can only speak for myself even though I can imagine other people are feeling the same, but I honest to god wish I was straight because my life would be so much easier. I would probably have a family by now. I would probably have all of the things that people dream of. Having a life where you can just settle down and do what you want to do, but I can’t have that. I can, but I have to work harder. It’s hard to find a meaningful relationship especially because I have so many self-confidence issues with other things.

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I definitely wouldn’t have chosen this, that’s all I can say. I don’t hate myself for it anymore, but if I could flip a switch and be straight I would and I honestly wish I could some days. I am what I am. I accept it and I move on.

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RACIAL MOVEMENTS

Black Lives DO Matter, period. If people really believed that all lives mattered, they would also be worried about LGBTQ lives, poor lives, homelessness, individuals at the boarder, war, etc but obviously people are not ready to have that conversation. Black lives need to be valued more that the system is currently treating them. We need to take a look back into history and find out ways to help repair the harm we as a nation did to create systematic difficulties to their lives.

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CAPITALISM

Capitalism in it's truest form is wrong. Free-market capitalism is focused on one thing, profit. If you can make a profit, you are good to go. History has shown us the harm that is on individuals which is why we have eight hour work days, over time requirements, safety precautions, health benefits, benefits in general, interest regulations, etc. I am not pro socialism, but definitely not for capitalism either. This is a topic where compromise is essential.

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Some people are all for socialism on the left, some people aren’t, but then the right always paints the left as socialists. I am not super socialist. I do believe in some socialist programs, but overall I don’t think the government should be very big. I wonder how we can get certain social programs, but still not have the government be too big?

2ND AMMENDMENT

This might be controversial, but I do believe in the 2nd amendment. I’m pro-guns to a certain degree. It’s one of those things where I am right, but I am also left because I believe in gun control to a certain degree. There should be things that you should have to do before you get a gun. It shouldn’t be a full on right. It should be more like driving. It’s a privilege. It shouldn’t be taken away, but we should still have measures in place to make sure that it's safe. It’s a very touchy subject.

Accepting Who I Am

"I knew I was gay since I was 12, but I also knew that according to the ideologies around me it was bad, so I always would try to cover up any slight trait that would rat me out."